Cool Moms Care

Our Adoption Story

November 10, 2009 · 4 Comments

November is National Adoption Month. So, in celebration, here is Part I of our adoption story.

Back in the day when my husband, Demetri, and I were dating, getting serious, and thinking about the M-word, we talked about having kids. Demetri said, “I want 7 kids.” Note the quotes. Note the lack of sarcasm. My response came in two parts: 1) laughing in his face and 2) “You better find a new wife!” Before we got married I talked him down to “one, maybe two kids”. Early on we had talked about adoption and both agreed it was something we were interested in. Our goal was to have a child — how that child came to us wasn’t so important. In all of these conversations we assumed that both adoption and having a biological child would come easily to us. So we got married and eventually “got busy” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). We were ‘busy’ for many many months. In fact, we were so busy that both of us got to the point where we never wanted to be busy again. Ever. We both felt like failures. And one of us frequently threw herself on the bed in tears sniffling about not being a real woman and being Bro-oh-oh-ken. I have a very patient and kind husband.

So we went to the doctor. We saw many (supposedly) knowledgeable professionals — specialists, regular OB/GYNs, acupuncturists, nurse practitioners, etc. They all told us that the first and easiest test that should be performed was checking out ‘the swimmers’. After all, no invasive procedures were required. It only involved Demetri having a little ’special time’ at home and then me taking a vial of his sacred fluid to the lab. No prob. Then we both met with my OB/GYN for the results.

It turns out that my husband has perfect sperm. In all 4 ways possible: count, shape, appearance, and mobility. Do you know how I know this? Because every single professional told us. Multiple times. Often, Demetri was given a pat on the back or a genial slug on the shoulder.  Dr. Whoever would do something scholarly, like take off her glasses or grip her chin between her thumb and index finger, and I knew it was coming: “The male fertility factor looks great! Perfect even! I have rarely seen such greatness!! ” Pause for another, nod, wink, or fist bump. “But the female factor, I just don’t know. . .” For the record, I have perfectly clear tubes. And an “adequate” uterus. But did I get any love from the doctors? Nope. I spent literal hours in stirrups and not even a pat on the shoulder. No wink. Nothing. Instead of the praise I clearly deserved, Dr. Whoever would look directly at me and say something like, “I guess it’s just Unexplained Infertility.” The doctor would often then attempt to share a commiserating look with Demetri as if to say Sorry, dude. Your wife’s a dud. My husband had the good grace to look humiliated.

By the time we did our first round of IUI I was bitter and on the sperm defensive. The nurse brought out a tiny vial filled with, uh, ’stuff’ and asked me to identify it as my husband’s. I looked at her in shock thinking, Really? You expect me to identify it by sight? The nurse then pointed out a tiny, typed name tag stuck to the bottom of the tube. Oh. Yeah. That’s his name.

The IUI was expensive. It was humiliating. And it didn’t ‘take’. Finally, after months and months, I was ready to say out loud what I had been feeling for a long time. Enough.

(Thanks to Demetri for his support and willingness to share this very personal part of the story)

- Joslyne Decker

→ 4 CommentsCategories: Family · Healthcare & Medical Issues · self-esteem

Give Twice: TOMS

November 6, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Make two someones happy this holiday season by giving TOMS Shoes.

If you’ve been following CoolPeopleCare for a while, you know we’re fans of TOMS Shoes. We love the buy one, give one model, and that’s why they’re kicking off the 2009 Christmas is Not Your Birthday campaign. When you buy a pair of TOMS (for yourself or someone else), you will get one pair of shoes to wear and another pair will be given to a child in need around the world. Make your gift giving even cooler this year - click here to shop.

- Sam Davidson

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Attitude of Gratitude · Health & Wellness · Holiday · Poverty · Volunteer

Sweet Sleep Under The Stars

November 5, 2009 · Leave a Comment

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Do you want to go camping for a cause?

If you are in the Nashville area this weekend, come camp out at Wolf Den Farm and help orphans around the world get new beds from Sweet Sleep at this benefit weekend hosted by Jack and Shelley Wolf.

When: November 7 – 8

Where: Wolf Den Farm, Brentwood, Tennessee

Why: Funds raised at this Under The Stars camp out will help provide beds for children in northern Uganda who have been orphaned because their parents have been killed by rebels or have died of AIDS. Of the 1 million who are displaced from the war, three-quarters are children living in child-headed households where multiple children sleep on the cold, hard ground and are susceptible to crawling, biting insects and disease.

What: Set up camp from 9am-1pm on Saturday, November 7th followed by a day of fun for the whole family including:

* Skeet Shooting

* Inflatables

* Hayrides

* an Outdoor Movie

* Bonfires and S’mores

* Dinner and Breakfast foods Available for Purchase

Cost: $250 per campsite – group/family of 5 (additional campers $40 each)

To reserve your campsite, or for more information, contact event coordinator Kelly Long at 615.668.8150 or events@sweetsleep.org

Sweet Sleep Under The Stars

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Activities · Attitude of Gratitude · Diversity · Family · Food & Beverage · Politics & Justice · Poverty · Volunteer

Roger T. Nooe Peace Lecture

November 4, 2009 · Leave a Comment

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Metro Nashville District 7 Councilman Erik Cole will present the 2009 Roger T. Nooe Lectureship on World Peace at 2 p.m. on Sunday, Nov. 8 at Vine Street Christian Church, 4101 Harding Road, Nashville, TN.

Cole—drawing from his experience as a low-income housing expert and as the chair of the Metropolitan Homelessness Commission—will speak toward improving synergies among government services, nonprofit organizations and religious communities to address the causes and consequences of homelessness.

The lecture is free and open to the public.

New for 2009, the Nooe lecture is tied to the Vine Street’s current Homelessness: 360 program. Through this integrated approach, the congregation utilizes education, advocacy, service and worship to increase its awareness of homelessness issues, specifically, and poverty issues, in general. Inviting the public to join its efforts, there is hope for providing relief to local persons in need.

Vine Street established the Roger T. Nooe Lectureship on World Peace in 1988 as a memorial to Dr. Nooe (pronounced Know-ee), the church’s senior minister between 1925-1951. Nooe’s ministry reflected a lifelong commitment to promoting world peace and religious ecumenism. The lectureship perpetuates Dr. Nooe’s hope of a universal peace and a unified church.

For more information, call the church office at 615/269-5614 or contact Thomas Kleinert, senior minister, at thomas@vinestreet.org.

Click here for more information.

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Activities · Diversity · Politics & Justice · Poverty

Pick Me!

November 3, 2009 · Leave a Comment

IMG_5239We are smack in the middle of my husband’s busiest time at work. He’s been staying late and sometimes bringing work home. The other night he brought home a stack of index cards with names on them. The cards needed to be sorted into 4 groups according to a list and then alphabetized. Demetri sighed, threw the cards and list on the table, and said, “I’ll have to do this later . . .” I literally jumped out of my chair, leaving my dinner unfinished. “I’ll do it! I’ll do it! Pick me!” I said, waving my hand in the air. No one else was clamoring for the job so my kind husband gave it to me.

I didn’t even clear the table or wait for Demetri to finish his dinner. I started on my task. I had a system and everything. I planned to set the cards for each list under that list and then alphabetize once the lists were sorted out. Brilliant, no? FINALLY I was using all the valuable knowledge I got (and am still in debt for) from my ‘advanced degree’! Well, maybe more like my 3rd grade education. What-ever. The point is, I did the job and I did it well. I even cross checked all the names without being asked to and found several names that did not have cards. When I was done I made Demetri tell me that I was a model employee: efficient, thorough, someone who takes initiative. True, I did shush Demetri when he tried to talk to me saying, Shhhh! I’m working here! but that just proves I have the ability to focus. Demetri said he would hire me. Well, until I insinuated that I would expect certain perks for being both an employee and the boss’s wife. You know, like occasional make-out sessions over lunch. My offer of employment was quickly rescinded.

But here’s the thing: I got a level of satisfaction and accomplishment from organizing those cards that I normally don’t get in my daily reign as The Mom. The task was specific. There were no variables. There was a clear end to the task. It allowed me to use my brain (albeit on a 3rd grade level). It was clear if I had succeeded or failed. The cards allowed me to feel competent. I was told I did a good job and I was told I was valuable.

Most of this stuff doesn’t happen in my job as a mom. Sure, there are specific tasks: feed, clothe, keep baby alive. Most with multiple variables: will she eat peas today? will she try and climb the baby gate or the dog first?. And an end to my tasks as mom? (pause for hysterical laughing). I will feed and clothe and keep my daughter safe FOREVER. Just try and stop me. I am hopeful that there will be an end to diaper changing, but it’s nowhere in sight. Many of the tasks I do everyday don’t require that much brain power. But raising a toddler is still exhaustingly hard work. The constant neediness. The ‘more mobility than brains’ (on the part of Zoey) factor.

Sometimes I do have to make split seconds decisions that require some intelligent thought: Is it worse for her to stick her hands in the toilet or to potentially reach the outlet next to the toilet? Personally, I think it would be worse for her to get to the outlet so, well, the hands go in the toilet. That’s a choice no one is really happy about. It does not leave one feeling competent and accomplished. It actually leaves me cursing my substandard parenting skills. Why wasn’t the bathroom door closed? Why wasn’t the toilet lid down? Where are the outlet covers?

I do get support and compliments as a parent. Mostly from Demetri and my parents. Sometimes it’s just so hard for me to believe them. I mean, Demetri has a vested interest in me sticking around as The Mom. And my parents? Well, they’ve been giving me undeserved compliments since birth. It’s hard for me to compliment myself. Especially when I’m around for all the stuff I do wrong: Zoey falls off a chair when my back is turned for 2 seconds. I forget to brush her teeth. I don’t serve her vegetables at every dinner. I can’t possibly read “Are You My Mommy?” one more time so I hide it. I don’t put oil in her hair. She eats dog food. The list could go on. And on. And Zoey isn’t even 18 months yet.

Why is it so hard to be an accomplished parent? A competent parent? What do those terms even mean in the parenting world? Maybe what’s hard is to feel those things. I know I do some good things. I play with Zoey. I read to her. We color. Those things make me feel happy. But accomplished? Not so much. Maybe the real question is: would Zoey hire me as The Mom again? Since she can’t talk yet, I think I am going to take the way she throws her arms around my neck and the way she kisses me with her little open-mouth ‘O’ as a yes.

- Joslyne Decker

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Attitude of Gratitude · Family · self-esteem

Engage Green: Local Feasts

November 2, 2009 · Leave a Comment

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With the holidays coming up, how green will your table be?

Pineapples in December, Lettuce in August? With the holidays coming up, how green will your table be? Learn what Tennessee produce is in season this time of year. At this month’s Engage Green we’ll explore different options when it comes to main courses, side dishes, and desserts.

When: Tuesday, November 3rd from 6-8pm

Where: Nashville Farmers Market

Cost: FREE! and open to the public

This is a family friendly event!

Parking: Park at the Farmers Market Parking Lot.

HANDS ON PRESENTATION

The Nashville Farmers Market will be offering a demonstration on local food options. Learn what produce is in season, learn how to tell the difference between locally grown, organic, and heritage breeds. Sample some tasty holiday recipies and head home with some new recipies for your holiday feasts.

ABOUT ENGAGE GREEN

Engage Green is an initiative of Lightning 100’s Team Green Adventures and Cool People Care designed to educate the Nashville community about simple ways to make their lives greener. Engage Green hosts a knowledgeable speaker the first Tuesday of every month to offer how-to tips that can be easily transferred into our daily lives in an informal, casual setting. Each presentation is interactive and allows discussion throughout. Topics this fall include home energy audits, composting, sustainable cooking, and eco-friendly holiday gift ideas. Each workshop is free and includes a one hour presentation or demonstration followed by question/answer and engaging with other participants. No reservations needed. Open to the public. Locations will vary.

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Activities · Conservation & the Environment · Education · Family · Food & Beverage · Health & Wellness · Holiday

Make Halloween Cool

October 30, 2009 · Leave a Comment

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You can skip out on buying a plastic pumpkin for collecting candy and use a bag (or basket) you already have.

While Halloween was meant for scaring people and knocking on neighbors’ doors (and getting free candy, of course),  it’s also a chance for you to be cool and showcase your earth-friendly habits . You can make your own costume and thereby reduce the amount of garbage you create. You can stock those flashlights you’ll be carrying with rechargeable batteries. You can skip out on buying a plastic pumpkin for collecting candy and use a bag you already have. And, you can carpool with friends as you go door-to-door. Let’s face it – nothing’s scarier than a Halloween that hurts our planet.

- Sam Davidson

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Activities · Conservation & the Environment · Family · Holiday · Recycle and Reuse

Leap of Faith

October 29, 2009 · 1 Comment

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I am taking the leap of faith.

I’m back!

I was on hiatus for a few months while I coped with the strum und drang of the first half of a new pregnancy. That’s right. I’m pregnant with my second child, a son. As of sometime next February or March, we will become a family of four.

I once heard someone describe having children as taking a leap of faith, and I have to say that I think that’s one of the most apt metaphors I’ve ever heard. When you have your first child, you really don’t know what to expect, I know that I certainly didn’t! Sure, I read books and I took childbirth preparation classes and I talked to other parents, but I didn’t really know, on a gut level, what to expect. When my son William was born in 2006, I received an authentic crash course in parenting. We learned together, actually. He learned how to be a person, while I learned how to take care of a small, helpless person who could not yet use words to communicate his specific needs. It was hard sometimes. Actually, it was hard a lot of the time. But we persevered. We learned. We grew.

Now I am expecting another child. I still remember the sleepless nights of my son’s early weeks of life, and part of me wonders if maybe I’m just a teensy weensy bit crazy for wanting to do this again. This, for me, is the time when I am taking the leap of faith–more so than the first time. The first time, I really didn’t know. This time, I know but I’m doing it anyway. I trust that we’ll figure it out. I know enough to expect some hard times, but I also know enough to expect some joyous times. And I am taking the leap of faith that the joyous times will outweigh the hard times.

- Jennifer Larson

→ 1 CommentCategories: Development · Family

Grey Ghost 5K 2009

October 28, 2009 · Leave a Comment

logo-grey-ghostGrey Ghost 5K benefitting Gabe’s My Heart

Before you get ready to go trick-or-treating this Saturday, bring the family and participate in a run/walk for a good cause!

OCTOBER 31, 2009

7 AM REGISTRATION AND PACKET PICKUP

8 AM –   5K START (Runners begin first, followed by walkers)

8:45 AM - Awards Preparation for Grey Ghost.

9:00 AM -    Goblin Gallop

(kids fun run! – Kids 3 to 4 approximately 1/2 K.; 5 and up – approximately 1K.)

9:15 AM Awards Presentation for Goblin Gallop

Location: Oaklawn Plantation, 3331 Denning Lane, Spring Hill, TN

Gabe’s My Heart

http://www.greyghost5k.com/

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Activities · Family · Health & Wellness · Healthcare & Medical Issues · Runs/Walks · Volunteer

A Hair Story

October 27, 2009 · 6 Comments

I love to see her silhouette against new morning light.

I love to see her silhouette against new morning light.

I have bad hair and it’s mostly my fault.  I’m the kind of woman who has no hair styling skills whatsoever.  I let my hair air dry.  The pony tail is my up-do of choice.  The one time I dyed my hair it was purple (on purpose).  Getting layers was adventurous.  If I’m feeling fancy or have a big event (like, oh, say my wedding) I’ll blow dry and maybe use a bit of hairspray.  Maybe.  I do own a flat iron but, really, I just can’t be bothered.  I can barely stand the 30 seconds it takes to comb through my stick straight, fine hair after a shower.

It takes 20 minutes to comb through my one year-old daughter’s hair.  If she cooperates.  If.  Zoey is bi-racial (African American and Latino).  She doesn’t have “white” hair (like mine) and she doesn’t have “black” hair.   I struggle with Zoey’s tight, cork-screw curls.  They turn into tangles .5 seconds after combing.  After sleeping or a ride in the car seat the back of her hair is a mess of knots. Early on, I googled hair care products. I consulted various professional stylists.   I accosted people in public that had similar hair to hers: “Um…so…what kind of products do you use?”  My husband eventually asked me to stop doing this.  “We do fine with her hair” he said.  “We? WE?!” I said.  Or maybe shrieked.  “What ‘WE’? When was the last time YOU combed out her hair?”* I was perhaps the merest bit frustrated.

Good advice was hard to come by.  Even bi-racial hair care tips were geared toward African American and Caucasian kids.  One person in Target suggested I shave Zoey’s head so it would grow back in with “a better texture”.  A neighbor told me not to cut Zoey’s hair because it would “never” grow back.  One internet site told me to wash it every day.  Another said to only wash it once a week.

And the products? Don’t even get me started.  We have spent well over $150 on gels, sprays, conditioners, oils, lotions, and shampoos.  Most of them are expensive.  Most of them smell bad.  And none of them make combing out her hair any easier.  There is a wasteland of hair care products under my bathroom sink.  In my not-so-great moments, when I’m tired and a good portion of my self-esteem (not to mention my feminist beliefs) have gone out the window,  I see all those products as a monument to my failures as a mom and maybe even my failures as a woman.  Shouldn’t I know how to style my daughter’s hair?  Or at the very least, know how to comb through it without causing her severe trauma?  As a woman, shouldn’t I know how to do something with her hair (and mine)?  Here’s a confession: I barely know how to regular braid. French braid? Don’t even ask.

I do love Zoey’s curls.  I love to see her silhouette against new morning light.  I love to gently touch the curls at the nape of her neck.  I love to breathe in her curls as she sits in my lap and I read her stories before bed.  But combing out Zoey’s hair is a chore.  For both of us.  So much so that I get panicky at meal times.  I’m afraid Zoey will smear hummus or sucked-on graham crackers into her hair and I’ll have to comb it out.  Again.  A friend jokingly suggested we put a shower cap on her during meals.  I’m seriously thinking about it.

Lately, we have a morning hair ritual.  Zoey sits in her special wooden chair (one that was her Dad’s when he was little) and I kneel behind her armed with a spray bottle of water, leave in conditioner, and a wide toothed comb.  Zoey is supplied with 20 minutes worth of Goldfish and I take a deep, cleansing breath and ask the Hair Goddess for patience.  I begin with the curls at the base of her neck.  Stretched out they reach past her shoulder blades.  I take a few curls between my thumb and forefinger and begin to comb.  Sometimes it feels rather Zen and other times it feels only slightly more appealing than cleaning the bathroom.  Depending on how dirty the bathroom is.  But the point is: I do it.  I am getting better.  I am learning her hair the way I have learned the rest of her: the moons on her finger nails, the curve of her cheek, and the tickle spot just behind her knee.  My daughter has beautiful hair and she is going to grow up knowing it.  Even if her mother has bad hair, can’t braid, and has a wasteland of hair care products under her sink.

*My husband now combs out Zoey’s hair every weekend and he’s darn good at it.  We also found some kids’ multiethnic hair products. AWESOME.

- Joslyne Decker

→ 6 CommentsCategories: Diversity · Family · self-esteem