I love to see her silhouette against new morning light.
I have bad hair and it’s mostly my fault. I’m the kind of woman who has no hair styling skills whatsoever. I let my hair air dry. The pony tail is my up-do of choice. The one time I dyed my hair it was purple (on purpose). Getting layers was adventurous. If I’m feeling fancy or have a big event (like, oh, say my wedding) I’ll blow dry and maybe use a bit of hairspray. Maybe. I do own a flat iron but, really, I just can’t be bothered. I can barely stand the 30 seconds it takes to comb through my stick straight, fine hair after a shower.
It takes 20 minutes to comb through my one year-old daughter’s hair. If she cooperates. If. Zoey is bi-racial (African American and Latino). She doesn’t have “white” hair (like mine) and she doesn’t have “black” hair. I struggle with Zoey’s tight, cork-screw curls. They turn into tangles .5 seconds after combing. After sleeping or a ride in the car seat the back of her hair is a mess of knots. Early on, I googled hair care products. I consulted various professional stylists. I accosted people in public that had similar hair to hers: “Um…so…what kind of products do you use?” My husband eventually asked me to stop doing this. “We do fine with her hair” he said. “We? WE?!” I said. Or maybe shrieked. “What ‘WE’? When was the last time YOU combed out her hair?”* I was perhaps the merest bit frustrated.
Good advice was hard to come by. Even bi-racial hair care tips were geared toward African American and Caucasian kids. One person in Target suggested I shave Zoey’s head so it would grow back in with “a better texture”. A neighbor told me not to cut Zoey’s hair because it would “never” grow back. One internet site told me to wash it every day. Another said to only wash it once a week.
And the products? Don’t even get me started. We have spent well over $150 on gels, sprays, conditioners, oils, lotions, and shampoos. Most of them are expensive. Most of them smell bad. And none of them make combing out her hair any easier. There is a wasteland of hair care products under my bathroom sink. In my not-so-great moments, when I’m tired and a good portion of my self-esteem (not to mention my feminist beliefs) have gone out the window, I see all those products as a monument to my failures as a mom and maybe even my failures as a woman. Shouldn’t I know how to style my daughter’s hair? Or at the very least, know how to comb through it without causing her severe trauma? As a woman, shouldn’t I know how to do something with her hair (and mine)? Here’s a confession: I barely know how to regular braid. French braid? Don’t even ask.
I do love Zoey’s curls. I love to see her silhouette against new morning light. I love to gently touch the curls at the nape of her neck. I love to breathe in her curls as she sits in my lap and I read her stories before bed. But combing out Zoey’s hair is a chore. For both of us. So much so that I get panicky at meal times. I’m afraid Zoey will smear hummus or sucked-on graham crackers into her hair and I’ll have to comb it out. Again. A friend jokingly suggested we put a shower cap on her during meals. I’m seriously thinking about it.
Lately, we have a morning hair ritual. Zoey sits in her special wooden chair (one that was her Dad’s when he was little) and I kneel behind her armed with a spray bottle of water, leave in conditioner, and a wide toothed comb. Zoey is supplied with 20 minutes worth of Goldfish and I take a deep, cleansing breath and ask the Hair Goddess for patience. I begin with the curls at the base of her neck. Stretched out they reach past her shoulder blades. I take a few curls between my thumb and forefinger and begin to comb. Sometimes it feels rather Zen and other times it feels only slightly more appealing than cleaning the bathroom. Depending on how dirty the bathroom is. But the point is: I do it. I am getting better. I am learning her hair the way I have learned the rest of her: the moons on her finger nails, the curve of her cheek, and the tickle spot just behind her knee. My daughter has beautiful hair and she is going to grow up knowing it. Even if her mother has bad hair, can’t braid, and has a wasteland of hair care products under her sink.
*My husband now combs out Zoey’s hair every weekend and he’s darn good at it. We also found some kids’ multiethnic hair products. AWESOME.
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6 responses so far ↓
SWMama // October 27, 2009 at 5:00 pm |
You are amazing. I sent my daughter off to daycare today with yogurt and goldfish in her hair (from yesterday) because I couldn’t deal with giving her a second bath. And she has total white-girl hair, easy to comb. I got no excuse.
Also, your patience with Zoey’s hair is admirable. My mom traumatized the hell out of me with her devilish hair-combing ways – it was so painful and such a struggle that I had a boy’s haircut for much of my childhood. At least you give Zoey food to get her through the process!
amy lyles wilson // October 27, 2009 at 6:31 pm |
I’m 48, and recently I was able to forgive my mother for all the too-tight ponytails of my youth. She favored these rubber band contraptions that were adorned with brightly colored plastic balls. I feel sure they have been outlawed by now. Trust me, Zoey will laugh about this in a few decades.
Niki // October 27, 2009 at 8:35 pm |
Thank goodness you will never have the curling iron catastrophes that I had with my mom. Well, unless you straighten Zoey’s hair and then curl it or something. I don’t know. Anyway, I still have no idea how my mother had the patience to curl my bowl haircut (that then morphed into an awesome feathered ‘do a la Farrah Fawcett) day after day. And then there were the curling iron burns on the ears and forehead. I’m sure they were caused my lack of ability to sit still.
The best part? My mom did it all times two every morning, because she had twin girls! Only a woman with patience like hers could have undertaken such a project. She was probably glad my little brother was a boy.
Erin // October 27, 2009 at 9:16 pm |
It may take a lot of work, but I can tell you that whatever you’re doing is working– Zozo looks like a little fashion model in every picture I see. And, the two times I have met her in person, she looked EVEN cuter, if that’s possible!! It is horrifying to have such an extensive hair care product graveyard, but what can you do? Until they sell everything in trial size, you’re stuck.
Diane // October 29, 2009 at 2:04 am |
I think she looks beautiful! I love your comment about learning about her hair and how to take care of it just as you learn other things about her. We keep discovering things about our children the whole time they’re growing up (and even when they become adults).
As a child with naturally fine and straight hair, my mother seemed determined to have a little Shirley Temple with beautiful curls. I was subjected to more than a few permanents which seldom had the desired effect!
LJ // November 5, 2009 at 4:09 pm |
Learning my daughter’s hair has been a challenge too. For exactly the opposite reasons. My hair is curly, frizzy and all over the place. My daughter’s is absolutely straight. So when she asked me for curls, I thought, “I can DO this! I know curly hair.” What I didn’t know is that there is hair out there that will not curl. Ever. And apparently my daughter has this all over her head.
I am trying to help her love her hair as it is, and not wish for Mommy’s hair.